My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
