Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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