do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
