A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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