I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
