i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
