Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
