I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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