i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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