life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
