she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize