i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
