if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
that's an acceptable place to lick
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
