fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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