the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
