dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
