When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
