I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
