This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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