NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
