I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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