Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
