is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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