this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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