I CAN MOONWALK!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
