Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
