Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Everyone says I win the strip club
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
