all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
