best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
