Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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