Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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