One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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