The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
