every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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