I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
