I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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