I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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