It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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