i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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