Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
