I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
