I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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