puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
