Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
