either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
