I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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