I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
