I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
