I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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