I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
