just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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