I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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