Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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