I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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