We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
