I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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