We named our party play list daddy issues
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
soo... how was my night?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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