You smell like a Billy Joel song
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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