Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
