when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He has the fingertips of a God
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