escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just invented taco cereal.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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