Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I could fuck to npr.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
