Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Is Oprah even human
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
