i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
