just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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