ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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