I feel like I'm in dance class right now
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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